”May
I Be Happy and Free”
I
have begun most every day for
years on the mat (or
the floor or the bottom of my bed or the balcony) with
these words. They are followed with
“May
I be Safe and Protected”
“May
I be strong and my body supports me”
“May
I flow through this life with ease”
I
then repeat these phrases for all people to be happy and free...etc,
etc. It helps me think about where I'm at first thing, to set an
intention and to think about putting that out to all people
everywhere. Visualizing first
my own peeps, sending love to them and beyond.
(Metta
is a Buddhist practice in which you repeat intentions of good will
toward yourself, others and the world at large. It bridges meditation
and chanting, and its power comes from the repetition which serves to
focus the mind and intention on a central thought or theme, in effect
shutting out distracting thoughts and giving your full mental energy
to the intention at hand.)
Today
I sat with my face to the sun. I had cracked open the door to my
balcony so I could hear the birds. I
was aware that I just felt calm.
After
I repeated those familiar words I stopped.
I opened my eyes.
Then
I had the amazing
realization... I am
happy!
I just caught myself smiling from a deep contented place. Even when I awoke in the night and wondered why I wasn't sleeping, I had the thought how nice that it didn't really matter. I was more curious... I knew that I can nap later (such a luxury) and just wonder did something wake me? Did I have something I wanted to think about? Or do? So I laid there thinking about it and soon fell back to sleep. And I woke to the sun rising over the vineyard.
I just caught myself smiling from a deep contented place. Even when I awoke in the night and wondered why I wasn't sleeping, I had the thought how nice that it didn't really matter. I was more curious... I knew that I can nap later (such a luxury) and just wonder did something wake me? Did I have something I wanted to think about? Or do? So I laid there thinking about it and soon fell back to sleep. And I woke to the sun rising over the vineyard.
Yup, this
sure seems like
happy.
Sure, I can let
my mind can wander to unhappy places. It's true I have to go back to
real life some time. I do in fact have
bills to pay and a house
that needs to sell soon, I do have a husband who seems to have
forgotten our 20 years of happiness and yes,
my son is a heroin addict
and the list goes on. And on. But me? Right now? My own little self?
Yep, could be construed as happy. I
look down at my lap filled with croissant crumbs, I take another sip
of my favorite tea. The
sun is shining. On this table there are
flowers blooming that I picked! I am not shoveling snow(or hauling wood).
-The decadence and
plenitude of good happy-inducing things in this one morning blows me away.-
My nails are polished
for crying out loud!(thank you Courtney) If
happy means being good with where I'm
at, feeling supported by people who love me and ensconced in a
beautiful part of the world doing what I like to do everyday then
holy shit, it's true- I
am happy. I'm
going with it. This is what happy feels like and I like it.
Me being
me, I had to explore a bit further...So
I considered the next part-
“and free”.
And yes, you know, I do in fact feel quite
free...
Free from all kinds of things.
Obligations- there is no hungry baby needing me, I have no job to get up and go to, I have no mortgage that I'm worried about (at this exact moment in time).
Perhaps I'm even learning to be free from disappointment. One little tiny nanosecond at a time.
If this isn't free what the heck is? Free to sit here with endless cups of tea and write my little heart out. Free to wander these hills and valleys for miles and miles. Free to dance around this house. Free to get a bit drunk and color my hair later (or not, just a thought). Free to stay up late with four good books on my bedside and thinking about how to help a friend (I am so sure you will find the just right person to rent the space, Chris!)
Perhaps the key is to be “in this moment in time". And I'm free to consider extending my time here in the south of France. No, no hand-wringing or proselytizing needed. No arguments with self to the contrary. Free in this very minute, this day, right here. Yea, free is good.
Free from all kinds of things.
Obligations- there is no hungry baby needing me, I have no job to get up and go to, I have no mortgage that I'm worried about (at this exact moment in time).
Perhaps I'm even learning to be free from disappointment. One little tiny nanosecond at a time.
If this isn't free what the heck is? Free to sit here with endless cups of tea and write my little heart out. Free to wander these hills and valleys for miles and miles. Free to dance around this house. Free to get a bit drunk and color my hair later (or not, just a thought). Free to stay up late with four good books on my bedside and thinking about how to help a friend (I am so sure you will find the just right person to rent the space, Chris!)
Perhaps the key is to be “in this moment in time". And I'm free to consider extending my time here in the south of France. No, no hand-wringing or proselytizing needed. No arguments with self to the contrary. Free in this very minute, this day, right here. Yea, free is good.
“Safe
and protected”...
as I lay there awake in the wee hours of this day I was thinking
about how much I like this cocoon of a house. I like that there's a
(locked) door in the wall of the terrace, and that there are shutters
on the french doors and window of my room (me,
that never locks anything
and tends to leave keys in my truck,
kind of funny). I like
that it's just open to the hills and valley across from me, no
houses, no people. I feel the love of my friends and family who have
helped and supported me so this could happen. And will continue to do
so if I decide to stay longer. I'm
starting to trust my own knowledge of when I'll be ready to go home.
And I will go home. I'll be ready soon, just not yet. I
know I need to rest quietly a bit longer. Yes,
I feel safe and
protected in
a way that maybe I never have before.
“May
I be strong and my body supports me”... oh, this has been one I wish
for so hard.
But in this moment I
do feel strong. I
don't think my body in this life will ever be the lithe workhorse I
will it to be. Sure I am
achy this morning and my left knee is a bit swollen. Yesterday
I was laughingly accused
of showing up the other workers
in the vineyard- I was
shocked. I then had to
realize that I not only am I a hard worker (I knew that) but that
while I was chatting away
I was also
quite fast
and efficient, and strong!
When I'm not thinking
about it my body can surprise me with bursts of really
good work with no pain. I
think that is so exciting. I think it's time to realize that this
body of mine may always have pain but for the most part it always
does what I ask of it.
Huh, what a bloody breakthrough that feels like.
Huh, what a bloody breakthrough that feels like.
“May
I flow through this life with ease”... that's a thought provoker
for sure.
All that goes
right along to the aforementioned return to reality. All that that entails. The online course I need
to do with no internet (yea, I know). The future for gods sake.
This all has potential for
great dis-ease.
I'm
no Pema Chodron or That Nich Hanh
to be sure, but
what if sitting on my mat and repeating these few phrases, doing
a little breath work and sitting quietly
every day helps me to believe what my new friend Linda said to me
last Friday. We'd been chatting for hours, kids long since tucked in,
her husband Chris kept refilling our glasses with delicious wine and
she said to me "I have friends who've been through half of what
you have and they're a mess, and to me you seem really solid" (I
do?)
and
then she said "you've chosen to be the person you want to be".
huh....
it helped actually... to think ok, these people think I'm solid. Well, I actually do feel pretty solid.
huh....
it helped actually... to think ok, these people think I'm solid. Well, I actually do feel pretty solid.
Yes,
perhaps I
am choosing to be the person I want to be.
I
wrote to my sweet bro about it and suggested that maybe this choosing
is enough,
his
response....
“It's
not just enough...it's all that matters.”
My god, I love him.
My god, I love him.
So maybe flow
with ease doesn't mean
there are no potholes in this path. No,
on the contrary- they
are fucking
everywhere. Camouflaged with daisies and smiles and
promises. Perhaps
it just acknowledges that we all fall in potholes, all the time. That we get hurt
and dirty and we cry and then take a soaky bath and call someone who
loves us and can make us laugh. Sometimes we wake up the
next day and run right
into the same pothole and are so
surprised all over again
to get quite hurt
and get our
favorite sweater really
dirty. But then we remember to start the bath and go get the phone.
And leave a note to self about where to step tomorrow.
May all
beings be happy and free
may all
beings be safe and protected
may all
beings be strong and their bodies support them
may they
flow through this life with ease...
Because maybe happy and free for this one day is enough and all that matters.
