great expectations

"safe and protected...."

This resonated again this morning as I'm getting ready to pack up and leave my happy nest. The home where I've settled in and felt truly comfortable for the first time since I left my home in September. It is hard. I don't want to go. I really feel good here. It's a beautiful sunny morning, the first one in quite sometime. The birds are singing. It's still a bit windy but there is the promise of a warmer day.
I'm thinking about how easily and often I get hurt by wanting or waiting or expecting someone to do something in return for me. A phone call, an email, smoke signals, just some response to one of mine that says yes, you're worthy of my time. I understand that you need an answer or confirmation of my love, or commitment, or my giving-a-shitness.

But what if I can let go?
Seriously let go of that need of a response of any kind.
Could I not be a happier, more fulfilled, younger looking version of me?
Good goal.
Constant goal.
But what if it's a goal towards my own protection, as in a shield against further hurt. It's a slight difference in approach. Somehow simpler. I cannot explain why yet. Not just a good idea but an essential tool for survival. To keep me safe.  A (wo)man-made canal to divert that same bit of energy to be directed towards my own happiness and well-being. A direct stream of power funneled into what I need.
Powerful theory.
How to construct such blatant new engineering?


 3 days later...

Construction has begun....
After a couple of days with my darling friends the Coulshaws, gardening, eating, chatting and laughing I'm off on another adventure. Car is packed. Simon has been sitting with me looking at the map this morning and here I go. I have Katys thermos and biscuits.
To Arles, Bandol and beyond! (Italy??)
Au revoir....